Last week it was hail (yes, ice that falls from the sky) that drove me to the kitchen. Seriously, of all things, hail. I was so excited, I sprinted to the kitchen, knocking over no one on my way to get to the food. I caught myself, realizing that a rush to food with that kind of fervor had nothing to do with being hungry. In all my excitement, I was able to slow down long enough to realize that I wasn't hungry. I was experiencing a feeling of excitement (does not take much, huh?). The hail came down for twenty minutes leaving piles of white ice everywhere and I eventually ate dinner like a real live human being.
I used to think I ate only because I was depressed or lonely. From the enormity of my physical being at it's grandest scale, one might surmise that I was damn near suicidal; alone all the time.
Last night I lay in bed, mind occupied with a book alternating with TV, feeling a compulsion, a pull of sorts dropping F (food) bombs suggesting I go into the kitchen and get something to eat. I had already eaten dinner. I wasn't hungry. I tried to identify what I was feeling, couldn't get a label on it. Yet I nearly felt a physical presence akin to a creeping spider web or a crawling bug taking over my brain, urging me away from my reading/TV to stuff a snack.
I watched Intervention. I watched Sober House. I let Dr. Drew analyze and attempt a magical cure with his great wisdom. During commercials I'd glance at my book on emotional eating. I scanned food cupboards from memory, went through a visual of my freezer finally forcing myself back to my book, then to TV, then back to book again.
Finally lights out. Sweet relief! With sleep I wouldn't have to fight the beast; this urge to stuff. While awake and conscious, the sane part of me fought against the intruder. (I am woman, hear me roar!) And by sane, I mean, the part of me that refuses to succumb to eating frenzies unless the frenzy is carefully planned and in that case it's called dinner.
Emotional eating is like a fire that I am constantly trying to put out. (If I can't eat around the urge behind the emotion, I should at least make hazard pay!) People believe that it's easier to quit smoking, drinking or gambling because we don't need to smoke, drink or gamble in order to survive. Yet we must eat in order to survive. But do I have to eat every time I feel a feeling?
10 comments:
This is WAY interesting! I have cravings like this, but not quite as severe. And it doesn't seem tied to feelings at all, except maybe boredom. I eat to entertain myself.
Anyhoo, I'd like to link to your post about the cancer group in my next post. The one where you start thinking it's you that's the "bad one"....
Way to get a handle on this. Since eating has taken on a life of its own, i.e. 24 hour food channel, television commercials for eating at all hours of the day, I'm not sure many of us even know the real feeling of hunger any more. Fatigue, restlessness, cold weather, baking or roasting smells, easy access to finger food have all been areas that I too automatically reach to fight an internal craving monster. If there was just a switch to make it go away, we’d all be healthy.
Eating is a basic behavior, so we tend to turn to it during emotional times. Unfortunately we can do it longer than any other basic behavior. (I think Woody Alan addressed that in his just god statement about "Eating twice a week and making love three times a day!)
At any rate, I tend to eat air popped popcorn during those times, and that way minimize the damage while still maximizing the munch.
Dear Lady-That-speaks-the-truth,
Your post reminds me of some of "The Solution" stuff that I've read. It really rang true (unfortunately trying to work with a group or a provider means tangling with an insurmountable pyramid scheme of "workshops" and "consultation" and since poverty makes me fatter I had to get away)
I hadn't really noticed it, but yes, excitement does make me want to eat! too! I never noticed!
This food addiction business is indeed so difficult precisely because we do have to eat. The listening to your body part is so difficult. I often eat because I feel "unbalanced" somehow. Since I don't drink or do drugs (as they make me feel more "unbalanced") and I am stuck working all the time - ever guilty for how far behind I am - the only tool I have is food.
And then all the experts tell me on one hand, only eat when I'm hungry - BUT: drink 8 big glasses of water a day, don't skip meals - eat 3-6 of them a day, eat 30 grams of fiber, make sure you eat a banana every day, spend more time socializing with friends, get more sleep, add a 90 minute workout that extracts 3 hours a day from my schedule, pay for another expensive program, pay for another expensive therapist, pay extra for this crappy clothing. Its a good thing I don't support the idea of firearms in the home ...
and yes - the subliminal suggestions to ingest are everywhere. The word verification thing is "bacardis" and now I want gin and tonic (even tho i don't even like to drink that much)
is it OK to substitute a peek at your blog for at least one snack a day?
I've had this experience. And as odd as it sounds, when you're on the couch at night, have you tried turning the TV off? I can't watch TV without wanting to eat, regardless of whatever else I'm doing. But if I turn it off, and read or work on the computer, the urge to snack TOTALLY goes away. It's weird. (It's also part of the reason I limit my TV time so much.)
Emotional eating is like a fire that I am constantly trying to put out.
VIVID.
and totally captures it for me. I can see the flames being douse with water and OUT when allinaflash POOF another spark goes off.
Way to take it on! You are recognizing your challenges! For me that is a HUGE accomplishment!
I think sometimes for me I eat because I don't know what I'm feeling. It's hard to break away!
I can really identify with a lot of what you said, but of course you said it with much more thought and careful crafting than I can really muster. Feeling jealous - want to go eat.
Hey POD
Such wonderful insightful thoughtful meanderings. We lived in Italy for a while, and I had to drive a lot on motorways and stuff. I would continually bite my fingernails the whole time I was driving, purely because I was panicking and nervous and freaking out every second I was on the road. I had never bitten my fingernails before, and so I started chewing gum instead, every time I got in the car I would fill my mouth with chewing gum, more and more until I had no more left and a mouth FULL of the stuff. I would chew it like a trooper the whole time. It worked, I stopped chewing my nails! (started having terrible jaw pain, but aaahhh the things you do for vanity!!)
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