"Freedom is about not being dominated by our own bullshit."
Tonight I have the distinct pleasure of hosting three friends for dinner that I met through my relationship with Chris. Chris won't be there.
I am a bit apprehensive about the meal though not because these are friends of Chris's as much as simply serving a fantastic meal while maintaining my widely acclaimed hostess of the year status in our local ladies club.
Last night I drove to town to catch up on a bit of retail therapy (yeah, yeah -- I am well aware that I wrote that I "wasn't using" -- (quoth the addict). After spending a bit of money, I sat in the car with what felt like a big steaming pile of anxiety. I felt this sudden need for a pie, a whole cake, a dozen donuts or a pound of See's. Something I could snack on for a brief moment to ease that moment in time. My perception of my aloneness, separateness, anxiety, my slough of despond moment. My weight loss has been so present these past weeks, I am wont to do anything to discourage it. I sat in my car analyzing the why of *why* I felt this urge to eat, to stuff something, anything on top of my feelings so I couldn't feel them.
But I gotta tell ya, I was on to me. I knew I was feeling this anxiety, this nervousness and I knew why, and I knew it was not a reason to eat. I had a bit of a rough day earlier because for the past so many years, before Chris would leave town, he'd call to say goodbye, we'd see each other right before he left or I might even take him to the airport. This time I knew nothing would happen. No goodbyes. Nothing.
I had to sit with nothing. I had to be with nothing. I got nothin.
And I ate nothin.