Start Where You Are

If it's Wednesday, August something or other (okay, okay, the 26th), and you're reading this post (and it's early in the day), I'm on a plane flying to the Shambala Mountain Center somewhere near Ft. Collins, CO.

Traveling alone feels new to me though when I worked in Silicon Valley, I'd travel alone to conferences, (went to NYC twice and didn't die from that). Those days seem like a life time ago. Many life events have transpired.

I am more fearless than scared today. I went to a retreat years ago and remembered coming home feeling high from attending. What a let down reality seemed afterward. I met a woman at that retreat who became a friend and then, around the time of Greg's death, she told me she did not want to be friends any longer. That was my first recollection of being dumped. I was too busy with Greg dying to be concerned at the time but I never forgot that experience. I believe she had been traumatized or was still grieving someone else's death. She couldn't handle the heat. Either that or I smelled bad.

At this retreat they're going to have us meditate. Oh, and yoga. Cliche but...I'm going to go with the flow. I have been resistant to meditation in the past -- yet I don't feel that resistance any longer. I feel like doing anything and everything to get going - start another part of my journey. I've read the suggested books, (I highly recommend the book When Things Fall Apart -hello are you there, God, it's me, POD?) listened to CDs, and meditated a few times. From visiting the website, I understand that upon seeing the Great Stupa, I will be liberated. Too much captivity goin on! I hope this liberation comes true though I've also read that it is good practice to abandon hope. To be hopeful robs us of the present moment. And there are so few truly present moments. Or maybe it's that we are truly present only a few moments.

I'm going to keep my mind open, my heart open, my mouth shut (during crucial times) and my laptop open occasionally so I can write though we will have no online access and no access to phones. I can't even call my mommy.

I will be limited only to the food they serve. How does a food addict prepare for something like that? I'll tell you how. We bring chocolate in our suitcase. But only as much as I might eat during a week at home. I thought briefly about bringing some of those 100 calorie bags of cookies or something (this is the mind of an addict, okay?) and I realized I don't even eat that crap at home. Why would I take them on a plane to Colorado? If I bring cookies, I'll have to pack Tums because cookies always make me sick to my stomach. (See what I mean about captivity?)

I am attempting to take this journey as it comes. What a concept.

And even though I mentioned abandoning hope, I cannot abandon writing that I hope they serve coffee.