Sunday afternoon I went out with J. We visited a restaurant bar in Capitola where we enjoyed drinks and appetizers along with a fantastic view of tourists, sunbathers and ocean. The drinks were good. Music was nice. Sun was glorious and no smokey air for the first time in about 8 days. The fires are finally out.
After a couple hours of talking, drinking and food critiquing, we sauntered further into the tiny town of Capitola. In our stupor, we got this idea to ask people what they thought of my hair style? J. and I had been talking about long hair vs short hair. At first she was embarrassed at the idea of random-stranger-chat though she warmed up quickly. Whereas I can be out in public and ask just about anyone anything. I *do* have boundaries though I have been known to engage total strangers in conversation when necessary.
While on our walk to the bar, I stopped one man and asked him what he thought of my hair? He said, "You look hot...your hair is fantastic. Don't grow it long." Slightly inebriated, I thanked him, asking him his age? He was (only) 42 years old - cute, looked like he was twelve. My son Danny was on speaker on my cell, screaming "get his number!"
We ended this glorious afternoon with a walk to the Fogbank, a dive bar with outdoor seating right on the water. Loud music was playing when we first walked in. Two women were dancing to some early 90s music. The music was great. The sun on the back deck was revitalizing (providing tons of vitamin D and cancer causing rays). Most of the action was on that sun deck, people laughing, talking, singing, reading and smoking. We both felt at home. J. said her husband wouldn't want her there. (Too seedy.) I am the only one who might object for me. And who am I to object to seed?
We'd asked a few people on our walk what they thought of the hairstyle, and then once inside the bar, we asked everyone on the sun deck -- all those drunk women and drinking men. Each person we spoke with was outgoing, positive and willingly gave an opinion. (imagine that!?) I don't know about when you are drunk but these drunks were really considerate and friendly. I felt like I instantly gained more support. The overwhelming consensus was that I not grow my hair out, with a few "f*ck Us" thrown in for good measure.
I was pretty sure based on conversation with him in the past, that Chris had wanted me to grow my hair back after chemo. J. kept saying "guys are so visual." My argument is if a guy is attracted to me because of my hair, isn't that like the height of shallow? (is that really even an argument?) Do I need a man in my life that bad? What if I only like bald men? Should I ask a man to shave his head?) Since chemo, I'm really comfortable with short hair. Most men seem to like long hair (living in a fantasy world) or do they? Do all men like long hair or just the man I felt I loved? And does long hair on a 53 year old woman really look all that good? I'm still wrinkling and chubby. There's nothing pretty about a skeleton with long hair (I'm not quite skeletal). With dieting, the flesh that seems to be evaporating from my face sits comfortably inside my bra now. Soon that flesh will be melting into my pants, and then, take up final residence in my shoes (sandals?). I swear when I die, they're gonna need a bucket, (is that why they call it a bucket list?) not a coffin. Is having long hair going to make up for the flaws gifts of aging?
Earlier that same morning I attended Weight Watchers "church" and dropped another 2 lbs. That makes my weight-loss 29.2 pounds since the end of chemo March 17, 2008. (I believe in losing weight slowly, ya think?) It's funny still that the weight has come off effortlessly since Chris left. When my husband died, I weighed a ton (!) and started losing weight pretty soon afterward. It's some sort of subconscious thing -- when there is no one to help, to pick me up if I fall, to support me, I move into my survivor mode. I gear up by losing weight, exercising, eating (even) better, and taking really good care of myself. Maybe it's to show me that I can do this life thing all by myself. (I can have any kind of hair I want!) Ultimately, when you're ready for your bucket, you'll have to go it alone even if you've been in a lifelong partnership. Better to be maximumly prepared. And who better to take the credit?
17 comments:
The post title is money!
Love the Happy pic of you and J.
I enjoy talking to strangers too ... drunk & sober.
it's never good to generalize about what people want ... being 49 I think ALL men my age want women who are in their 20's & 30's (lots do) but not ALL.
Why were you looking outside of yourself for the answer I wonder?
Not asking because I'm criticizing ... asking because I do this myself.
I seek approval from others to make sure I'm loved and accepted. I think it's well and fine to like and love yourself and approve but there is something to be said for having it from someone else too.
I miss that.
Alot.
I've said it before but ...
I really enjoy reading your posts and your insight.
I always leave here thinking and reflecting.
Great post.
Got me thinking too. That's a good thing!
See, I'm not the only one that thinks you are stunning. :-)
I love Danny's encouragement!
I think men like it when we do what we want to do. And that is why, the minute you decide you really really don't need a man in your life and you are gonna do things your way, *poof* there's Prince Charming, ready to spoil everything.
You look so fresh & radiant in this photo with your friend. I also noticed some space orbs floating above & behind you two.
Sounds like a fun day. I'm impressed that someone or people were reading at the seedy bar. My kind of place.
You're right, of course. Long hair on more mature women looks ridiculous - unless you are my granny.... hers was long and wound into a bun at the back of her head, I think. At least, that's how it looks in the pictures I've seen of her... I don't really remember her.
Ummm, I think I'm off on a tangent here.....
Your hair looks great. You look great.
But you already knew that.
(ps - my word verification is "mankid" - wonder who they are talking about? Hmmmm???)
Sounds like a lovely weekend and I am so missing Capitola now!!! I just love that area...and I love the idea of you and your friend walking around a little in the tank, talking about your hair to perfect strangers!
For the record, I love how your hair looks now - it really shows off your beautiful eyes and cheekbones.
Hmmm, "survivor mode" - that is something to mull over.
Congrats on your 2 pounds gone...slow and steady, love it!
I think it is a shame that women believe that hair length is governed by age. I am 53 with long hair to my hips. I am growing it to whatever length it will be, never cutting it. There is a wonderful sensuality about fresh washed hair that is combed while sitting in the sun. There are fabulous antique hair combs and sticks to be found, lovely braid waves to be made. Everyone has short hair....why not be different?
Thanks for all the comments so far. The one that moves me to comment back here is the one about hair and age. My hair choice was governed by illness. I was bald and had no choice. Now my hair style choice is governed by comfort. When my hair starts to get long, it gets heavy on my head. It's like having a flock of sheep sitting on my head in desperate need of sheering.
If I had never lost my hair to chemo, it would still be long. But would I still be in a relationship? There's no way to know.
Wear your hair with flair.
The length is entirely up to you :)
(uh bag lady. am I supposed to cut my hair?! :))
you know I think you are beautiful. on the outside (which I told you before I knew the innards :)) and on the inside as well.
I don't think why a guy is attracted to someone in the first place is as important as why he stays attracted to you in the second place.
I have always liked long hair. It looks good on the pillow :-)
Dr. J. -- I have a cheap, chemo- made in China wig. That might look good on the pillow!
Alright, I actually have quite a bit to say about hair - mostly because I've been toying with the idea of cutting mine.
First, I had long hair pretty much all my life (it took until almost 3 for my hair to grow in, so my mom never wanted to cut it. After that it was kind of all I knew)until about 4 years ago. I cut it as short as yours and LOVED it. It might sound silly, but I felt fierce. I felt more in control and honestly, more confident. I didn't have my hair to hide behind. It was just me.
I decided to grow it longer two and a half years ago and I think it's now the longest it's ever been in my life. I like that too - the sensuality, the silky feel of it on my back when I'm naked. Most guys that I've talked to see to prefer long hair, but that is not a defining reason for me to keep it long.
I like both equally well and that's one of the few reasons I'm so thankful I'm a woman. I can change my mind at any time - and at any phase of my life without having to justify it to anyone.
For what it's worth, I love your look with the short hair. I think you look hip, hot, and happening.
And as for Chris? WHATEVER that he wanted you to grow it out. Who cares what he wanted? You know what you wanted? To be with him. You didn't get what you wanted either. If your hair could've been the saving grace of a relationship, it doesn't say much about the relationship. Since what you've written sounds like your relationship was healthy, even thinking about it being salvaged by hair means that you might be selling it short.
I say keep your hair the way YOU want it. And the men that will love you will love you for you, and not the hair style.
Um . . . so did you get that guy's number? ;)
I love your short hair. It seems like (from what little I know about you, reading this blog) like it fits you better than longer hair would. It's "I-don't-care-what-you-think" hair, in the very best way. It makes you seem confident and outgoing and like you're ready to meet the world head-on (no pun intended). I love it.
For whatever that's worth. ;)
I like your hair short or long. And that stuff about hair and age is just around to make women feel bad about themselves. I used to say it, along with infinity other judgments that exist to put us in a box.
lol at wig on the pillow.
When my Wonderful Daughter cut my hair in June, it was down to my waist. I had no clue it was that long since I would wash it and twist it up. I just turned 48.
My hubby dislikes it long but guess what, It's MY Hair. So, it's long enough to twist up but not sheep shearing length again.
I used to wear my hair really short because it is naturally curly. I'd tell the hairdresser I'd never had my hair cut too short. Then after he shaved a diagonal line in the back of my head that took 6 months to grow out, I got a bit more detailed in my instructions to the stylist.
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