Over the weekend I went bike riding with Chris. I had not seen him in a month and had not spoken to him though we share the occasional cryptic email. I had a good time -- riding was successful. The Monterey Jazz Festival did not prevent us from going to our favorite restaurant afterward. I felt at ease seeing him, much more this time than last. I have tried to focus on things in our relationship for which I am grateful; there were many. I'd be lying if I said I had no anger though I can pinpoint more positive things (now) than anger-inspired rants - just don't let me start drinking.
During a bit of our conversation, Chris mentioned something about my being an angry person though in the past he had mentioned that anger was prevalent in his life and had greatly affected many relationships including work, family and friends. Maybe we were reflecting back onto one another. I'm not sure what I mean by writing that or what I'm really trying to say except there is no one to blame but ourselves. I cannot blame him for being an angry person anymore than he can blame me if we both claim to be angry about things in our past.
If you're lucky -- life goes on past breakups, sadness wains, hearts mend (when you didn't think they ever would!) and your good ole buddy common sense comes back to help you remember that it's not a smart idea to rely on other people for happiness because now that common sense has returned you remember that you were once all by yourself and you will be again. Yet you survive. Maybe Common Sense can be my next lover!?
Since the breakup there has been improvements in my personal well-being and attitude. Having spent nearly 7 years of my life with Chris and his family, I still struggle with feelings of wanting to know that I mattered to them in some way. I felt for the most part that we had a supportive familiar connection and to have that taken away suddenly was almost more than I could bare. From the first time I met Chris, he felt like a lost piece of the family puzzle. I am able to say with much joy that I relished our reunion while it lasted.
My healing continues and that is the absolute best I can hope for.
8 comments:
I'm glad your healing is continuing. And that's all I am going to say.
Really.
I'm done.
Love the pictures, BTW.
Okay, that's all I have.
the title here? wow.
I spent lots of my weekend telling a newly divorced friend (who is chasing men) that it's time to plant her own garden.
those words.
repeatedly.
she didnt get it.
Really sounds like you're coming from a wise place with all this.
And I loved the line about common sense being your next lover. Heck, I'd settle for having an affair with common sense; there's no way I could sustain a lifetime commitment.
"My healing continues and that is the absolute best I can hope for."
I'm glad for this, and wish it for everyone.
I'm so proud of you and how far you've come.
A garden is always a series of losses set against a few triumphs, like life itself.
Common sense can be my next lover - what a great line, J.
Common sense can be my next lover - what a great line, J.
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