The Gift of Celebration

I am not feeling inspired to write so if you aren't feeling inspired to read, I understand completely. Typically I feel more inspired to write when I'm devastated than when I'm feeling kind of bleh or neutral or even in a good mood. I mean, I started writing this blog because I had a cancer diagnosis. Being diagnosed with cancer was devastating. I was so crushed -- I had to do something with my crushed-ness so I decided to write. I don't think I'm depressed - the medication must be working! We shall see what comes of this post. It's mostly all over the place.

*crickets*

I spent part of this past weekend with Hannah (and my sister). The time spent with her was fabulous as always. We did some girly things. I got a manicure while she got a pedi etc. I bought her a pink cupcake and she ate it quickly before her grandma found out and caught us at the cupcake store. She pitched a bloodyhairyhanging fit (not really, she just developed a 'tude) when we wouldn't buy her a gingerbread man (though men, who needs 'em?) but the thing about gingerbread is that no one likes to eat it anyway. It's gingerbread - it a decoration (hellooo). I'm only warning her ahead of time. We walked into Bed, Bath and Beyond where she announced with some funky four year old look on her face that she didn't want to be in there because "my mama already been in this place." Lately when I try to take Hannah's picture more than one time, she says, "Okay, that's enough!" Her smiles are all fakes for the camera. She's over the smile for the camera stuff. Later on Saturday evening we went out for dinner and while at the restaurant Hannah slept, her snoring, warm, slightly damp head resting on my lap for that hour was gift enough for me.

My idea for this season was to not gain any weight though I'm not sure that was a very intelligent idea - I think I've already gained. I am exercising a lot though so anything I gain will be more firm. I'm still attending WW meetings. I love the leader. She is cute, perky, inspirational and thin. Actually I think all those things mean that I really hate her. I enjoy the meetings. On Sunday we were supposed to list things we'd learned or gained this past year and by 'gained' I don't mean weight. These were things such as gaining support, learning ways to manage emotions, ways to cope with holiday stress (other than eat), learning to stop obsessing about food or other obnoxious obsessive things that I obsess about. I made my list of learnings and gainings, and promptly turned the paper over to etch my grocery list.

I took time to do some gardening and actually felt some sunshine on Sunday. This season I've planted bulbs, wild flowers seeds and sweet peas where for the past 6 years I had ignored my own garden to work on Chris's garden. I trimmed fuchsias (perhaps a bit early), cleaned out the pond, and will prune the Santa Rosa plum in January. I put up Christmas lights outside, and yesterday finally got some actual ornaments on the tree instead of just lights. I nearly stopped my attempt at holiday decorations with the lights alone wondering to myself why I was doing it?

It feels slightly strange this idea of celebrating the holidays alone because there is not a whole lot of celebration going on. Did I really celebrate holidays when I was in the relationship with Chris -- especially since he was so turned off by the holiday. I wonder though, if celebration is something that we do more when other people are around? And when I say 'others' I mean family and/or my friends. Is it possible to celebrate alone without drinking a fifth or dropping acid? And if you celebrate when you are alone, what do you do? Get out the vibrator? Do you pour yourself a drink? Light up a joint? Call a friend? Buy lingerie? Bake a cake and eat the whole thing? Or sit in silence? Maybe just being alone to some people is a form of celebration because most times there are too many people. I dunno. If we do any of these things in order to attempt a celebration, are they truly celebratory or are they just things we do? Or is it more a matter of one's definition of the word celebration?

What does it mean to celebrate?

I know what we did when my family was young. We cut down the tree. We pretended Santa was real. We spent far too much money on far too many things. We went to parades. We made cookies. We listened to Christmas music. I still do that though as I've said before, it's all Latin. I know nothing. We ate too much and drank too much. We got together with our families each holidays season. But is doing all these things, celebrating?

Miz has the idea to post some sort of Christmas eve-y post highlight our talent(s) though I can't think of a real talent that doesn't involve some twine, a blackout mask, a paper bag and a nail-file. I can cook and I can eat but are those talents? I can laugh and make people laugh (sometimes) but none of those things on video seem very thrilling (and I'm not doing anything naked). I told Miz I might do a sit-down standup which is about the extent of my joke. I am far funnier off the cuff. Performing canned jokes is not my forte. I can be a riot during conversation. I can play off other people and employ self-deprecating humor but if the pope and Bill Clinton walked into a bar at the same time, they will both fall flat along with my attempt at a punch-line. So keeping with this season of celebration and cheer, I'm going to think of something that shows a talent of mine and post that on Christmas eve. Maybe it will be celebratory -- one way to celebrate talent.

The dictionary defines celebration in many ways; as a solemn ceremony, refraining from ordinary business, to deviate from routine, to hold or play up for public notice. If this is the case, everything I'm doing could be a form of celebration. I need to get over the whole celebrating means people are screaming at each other, upset about what they got as a gift or did not get, drunk, dragging people who hate the holidays along with them, engorged on too much food and drink, topped off with picking up after family members while seething in silent resentment. Once I snap out of the outdated ideas I've carried with me to adulthood from past celebrations, I can get on with a celebration in the present. In the meantime, I'm off for more celibatory celebratory exploration.