Making Progress

A year end gift I will receive is a CT scan tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. This means I have to drink a creamy white-colored solution made out of kack (not a real word) that tastes like -- I can't really think of what it tastes like -- creamy, white, cold kack -- not good tasting kack either. The technician will also inject contrast dye. When they inject the dye, the body warms up quickly and then you feel a sudden urge to pee. Hopefully you don't.

I'm working this week. I don't mind. It's very quiet. I like it when it's quiet. Even driving to work this morning (on 17 no less) after getting a chest x-ray was a breeze. During the chest x-ray, the technician, in a very chipper tone, told me (as if I did not know already) that they perform a chest x-ray to "see if you have cancer!"

I'm reading a book called The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True-Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out, or Faded Away. Most of these short stories are really touching. I highly recommend the book and not just for women. Regardless of orientation, we probably have all lost a friend. It's kind of interesting to think back over the years and add them up - make a list.

I lost a friend when Greg was dying. I doubt I ever really had her but I'd met her at a retreat and we quickly became friends, doing lots of things together. Right around the time of his death, she actually said to me (in person), "I don't want to be friends any longer." It was like a break-up though I had more important things to concern myself with at the time. The 'break up' was something I thought of mostly later rather than at that time. I analyzed the situation and decided that she just couldn't handle the drama of death and that happens a lot around death and dying. People just don't want to deal.

I find myself years later wondering what became of her? Where is she now? Is she still spending tons of money looking for a guru or did the economy undermine her, what seemed like, endless stream of cash reserves?

And since the break-up in July with Chris, I occasionally find myself wondering what he's doing? How his business is surviving in this economy? Is he still complaining on a nightly basis and to whom? Is he eating any better? How's the high blood pressure? I try not to be angry and sometimes that is difficult. When you really love someone, don't you ultimately want the best for them even if it comes at a price that you must pay? I truly believe I loved him.

Next week when I get the chest x-ray and CT scan results back from my doctor, I'll find out whether the broken heart has healed completely, and if the cancer has returned. And somehow I already know the answer to both those questions.