Old Friends

I went out with some good friends last night. We went to a wine (whine?) bar. Spending my evening out with them reminded me of the things I had given up in order to be in a relationship even though no one ever asked me to give them up. Mostly, and throughout much of my relationship with Chris, these friends were far removed from my sight; Chris probably didn't really remember that these friends existed. But was that up to him to remember? I never pushed the matter. We did more things around his car groups and friends than we ever did with my friends. It was as if I had no friends. Chris and I went out as a group with these people once in 6 years. Chris said he didn't feel all that comfortable with them. Different interests mostly -- that was probably part of it. No car talk.

It's interesting to observe the sacrifice made inside of relationships in an attempt (though it does not feel attempted) to please a partner. At least that's what I thought I was doing --pleasing my partner, putting his needs first before mine. Does sacrifice even come close to pleasing a partner especially if he or she has no clue that you're sacrificing things or friendships to be with him? I wonder if the attempt is merely control in disguise? Lots of questions.

I have a date on Friday night. I'm not quite giddy about it but we shall see how life progresses for me. I know it's soon but I am doing things that I would not normally do like I said in yesterday's post where I stated I was cleaning my windows (for clarity.) I'm moving forward, one foot in front of the other.

He's Just Not That Into Me

“An analogy for bodhichitta is the rawness of a broken heart. Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic, sometimes to anger, resentment, and blame. But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness. This is our link with all those who have ever loved. This genuine heart of sadness can teach us great compassion. It can humble us when we’re arrogant and soften us when we are unkind. It awakens us when we prefer to sleep and pierces through our indifference. This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.”

Pema Chödrön

I came home from work last night. The fog was rolling in already. It was creeping up the canyon through the redwoods off in the distance. Things are cooling down.

I am listening to a set of tapes, whereby I mean cassette tapes that I purchased last week by accident when I meant to purchase the CD version. It's Pema Chödrön's The Places That Scare You: a Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. Well, certainly now is one of those difficult times and I have been filled with fear. Pema Chödrön also wrote the book When Things Fall Apart. That book should arrive in the next few days because well, things fell apart. Pema Chödrön must have gone through some heavy shit. I do know she was married for a long time. Maybe that was what happened?

First thing when I get home, I am alone except for my howling cat. I put on the tapes and listen because I need something to set me at ease (not booze, not food). The thing I don't want to do is the same thing. I don't want to wallow. I can't just sit and be sad. I have to do something different. This is what I have decided. A few days ago I started cleaning windows (for clarity).

A few minutes into the tape. I decided to get on the elliptical for the second time in one day. I had eaten dinner earlier which consisted of a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (yum) and one old oven-baked taquito. I made the taquitos last week and this was the last one.

I ate my vegetables at lunchtime. An entire bag of spinach fresh from the fields of Watsonville. I make myself a smoothie in the morning with two scoops of soy protein. A man had come into our last lymphedema support meeting and declared that the soy protein was a cure for his 'edema.' Well, I guess it helps regular edema but not lymphedema. I am really enjoying making and drinking these weird concoctions though. Yesterday I made one and added frozen mixed berries, a banana, a yogurt and some spinach. It tastes so good and fills me up for hours. I don't think about eating until right about noontime. My lunch is after 1pm, and I use the elliptical during lunchtime. I don't feel like eating anything after I workout. I find that I have to force myself. I am doing things to help save my life and help get me out of a funk though I don't feel particularly funky this minute. This is not because I am upset, though I am occasionally upset. It has something to do with the exercise. Takes the focus completely away from eating.

I'm reading a new book about How to Heal A Broken Heart in 30 Days. You read one chapter per day though I am about seven chapters short so I have to catch up with the rest of the class. The second chapter is called, "Mourning After." (Thought that was cute.) This book is way more kind than the first book I read which was It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken by the guy who wrote He's Just Not That Into You. I remember reading He's Just Not that Into You for fun after I met Chris. I was laying on his bed early into our relationship, reading and laughing at how funny the book was, and then, periodically getting angry at all the men I had ever had relationships with, and then, getting mad at Chris who tolerated my anger and listened to me rant. Chris has tremendous tolerance or maybe he *did* and doesn't any longer.

Chris has a relationship with his cars, his business, and maybe he should "date" occasionally on the side. He doesn't have the stamina or ability to have a dedicated, solid relationship and all his work at the same time. It's simply too much for him to juggle right now. He doesn't want to interupt his work flow to be with a woman. At least not this woman. He's just not that into me.

When I first arrive home and the house is quiet except for the whining cat, I think I'm going to go out of my mind. Last night I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I wondered what I would do if I were all alone? Well, I was alone so that was a moot point. Even though I did not see Chris but one night during the week when we were still an 'item' -- I felt as if I were part of a bigger family, something greater than just me, or that's how I thought of it. I still know I am part of something though I imagine it's something bigger, better and in the future. In this moment I only want greater understanding, compassion and no anger. Anger is more than I can handle right now.

One of my relationship flaws for lack of a better word, was relying on Chris for help that I could have done myself. Simple, small pleasurable things like having someone else notice the wear on my car tires and insisting I get them looked at or taking my car into the shop, making car appointments for me. One time I had a flat tire and Chris drove across town to fix it for me. I never had a relationship with a man who was so caring. It's difficult to withdraw from the feeling of being cared for, of feeling nurtured by someone who loves you, it's powerful. After my husband died, and I finally got my shit together, I felt powerful by myself. I would do all those things myself. I had become used to my own self- sufficiency. I wonder if Chris and I got lost in our helping one another or was it rescue, and if so, was that wrong or is it love?

At work I am usually distracted though yesterday a few things happened where I just started weeping. My sister tries to console me though sometimes she needs as much consolation as I.

In 2001 when my husband was dying and I was still working in cubicle land, I would sometimes find myself weeping while inside my cubicle. I would feel so overwhelmed with the thought of Greg's suffering that the tears would have to flow. I imagine that must have been so strange for my coworkers. Row after row of cubicles, people working, heads down, concentrating, and here's one cubicle with a woman, who's husband is dying of cancer, crying. Phones ringing, people gathered in conversation, meetings taking place. A woman cries.

I am prone to doing that same kind of weeping lately. It is born out of this tender sensation of genuine sadness.

Wax On, Wax Off

The First Noble Truth is that life is suffering. To live, you must suffer. It is impossible to live without experiencing some kind of suffering. We have to endure physical suffering like sickness, injury, tiredness, old age and eventually death and we have to endure psychological suffering like loneliness, frustrations, fear, embarrassment, disappointment, anger, etc.

Just the other night I was pontificating in a conversation with Chris about the First Noble Truth. (No wonder he wants me gone.) Chris seemed more enlightened than most men I have known. (Although that one guy who saw the fairy sitting on the bench in LA *thought* he was enlightened and went to lengths to tell me he was enlightened.) I guess even enlightened men go into crisis or maybe Chris's enlightenment was something I had projected onto him. Like I said, I'm not sure of much right now - this is life on the bosu, all out of balance with a core tight to the point where eating becomes difficult.

I thought the study of Buddhism was really difficult until one day, I read the First Noble Truth, slapped my forehead, and belted out a big fat duh! As soon as I read that truth about suffering, I thought, oh, okay, I get it now. We all suffer so let's just get on with our lives. I mean once we figure out that life is suffering, and vice versa, we all start at the same place.

(If we all start at the same place,why does a broken heart feel worse than cancer right now??

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

We went on our bike ride out near Sand City/Marina. The bike path is listed in a book called Best Bike Paths of the Southwest. We biked for 10 miles. I only started to fall once, the bushes were compelling me. My arm is still broken so I can't afford to fall on it or any other body part. I am trying to be less of a pansy about biking uphill. Chris says with my gears I should be able to climb a wall. That is the mantra I repeat while climbing up hills. "You could climb a wall, You could climb a wall."

There are so many ups and downs in life, it seems sort of useless to be so resistant to the hills only. I mean, why don't I pitch a bitch about the valleys because without the valleys, there'd be no freakin hills?

I had a good time. We ate lunch at the restaurant that has become our favorite place to eat in Pacific Grove (seriously we haven't tried other restaurants since we discovered this one). Chris ordered chevala preparada, his usual, and I drank ice tea, not my usual. He said, "Aren't you going to drink a margarita?" I said, "I don't think you want me drinking right now." (Or something to that effect considering my "angry drunk" post. I kind of feel as if I might have some anger burbling just below the surface. I'm not sure if I am correct. Maybe what I feel below the surface is warm fuzzies. Whatever it is, it's right there. (But it's not crude oil.) Like I said, I can't tell which direction is up half the time at present. I only bitch when the direction I'm riding is up.

After our afternoon together, I took Chris back to his house and drove back to my house. I am spending a lot of time alone lately. Being alone is a huge adjustment. I don't know when or if I will see Chris again. There are no guarantees. I was alone for two years after my husband died. Before this "break-up" I knew that Chris and I had a thing, like a relationship, a tangible sort of understanding where two people want to spend time together. I dunno, is that out of the ordinary to feel that way? Now everything feels really uncertain. It's like a cancer diagnosis only there's no chemo or radiation. No promise of a cure. No supplements you can take. No non-Western medicine, alternative therapies you can apply. (You just have to wait for someone to get their brain back inside their head! Or come to their senses!) (Oh -- wait, is that those warm fuzzies rearing their heads?)

Sunday night, Chris came over for dinner. We are both used to being in each other's company and I enjoy being with him and he enjoys being with me. (I wonder what makes people change so suddenly, like something out of the blue? Or if they have been seething in silent resentment for 6 months, and not saying anything? And who was that masked man?) I am questioning so much lately. The ground underneath my feet, my relationships with people. I mean who can be trusted? Nothing? I suppose this is a common reaction to having this sort of f.u. bomb dropped.

Late Sunday evening, Chris said he thought that maybe he was going through a midlife crisis. (I am paraphrasing here). Chris didn't recall the phrase midlife crisis. He said he "didn't want to die" and he "had 49 years left" (nice guess) and "wait, maybe this is what I am going through, a mid blahblahblah.") I felt as if light suddenly dawned. I filled in the midlife crisis blank for him because it had been on the tip of my tongue while in conversation with someone else earlier that day. I started doing research on midlife crisis and men. It's a very serious issue. I can't even think of anything funny to say about it except perhaps fuck you.

Chris took some pictures of me, I took some of him, and they turned out good. We had a random stranger take a photo of us too, and what do you know? Chris isn't pushing me away.

Courageous Women, Fearless Living - That's me!

I'm going to do something totally out of character. I am going to a retreat for Courageous Women in Denver because I am one of the most courageous women I know.

Cancer has encouraged me to do some weird-ass things. I'm not sure why except perhaps it's a last ditch effort to live my life in a way I never thought I could or would. And I'm not exactly sure what my definition of weird-ass is.

I was at home last night goofing on the computer, and found a website that listed cancer blogs and you'll never guess who's blog is on that list.

You've Come a Long Way Baby

Ah, the good ole days...the women in my family went to Hawaii. It was December 1990. (I purchased a little Santa squatting on a surfboard tree ornament.) In this photo I must weigh about 300 pounds. Wearing appropriate luau garb. (Can you say muumuu?) I remember that during this I was a vegetarian (or maybe an icecreamatarian.) My definition of vegetarian at the time was I could eat everything but meat products. So I ate everything. Notice how it took two people to hide me? (and one of them doesn't even have a face!)

This was back in the days when you could get upgraded to first class if you wore nice enough clothing. My sister and I put on our best Lame Giant clothes and schmooged into first class that day while my grandmother was forced to sit back in coach. Grandma had worn tennis shoes and her tennies weren't classy enough for first class (just 3rd). Of course, my sister and I couldn't fit in coach seats either. We fit in those larger first class seats. Our weight didn't stop us from going to the luau, getting lei'd and pretending to have tons-o-island fun while sweat dripped and burned my eyes. I never got in the water once. Water would have destroyed my ever-so-fashionable perm. Or that was my excuse during that visit.

I finally stopped perming my hair when Susan Smith killed her kids by driving her car into John D. Long lake.

Since that photo of me in Hawaii, above, I've lost (and gained) probably close to 300 lbs. With the loss of Chris, well, there goes another 180 lbs. (I'm doing great in the weight loss department.) That's a lot of weight for one person to lose.

I'm doing very well (thanks for all those comments and support! I was in awe of so much support and kind words. Many comments helped me grieve more - which I know is a good thing). I'm back on track, mostly, and focused on all the good things to come. I know this much about me -- I am remarkable at rebounding. I have to be. I still feel tremendous grief over the loss of my relationship though not the beginning of my friendship with Chris. (I still can't get over the thought that this man thinks there is someone possibly better than I out there for him!?! I mean what the hell is he smoking? ) Chris is my biking buddy and has been a huge encouraging factor in my physical activity so we're going to see what happens. Just like with a cancer illness, the best revenge is to get on with your life, right?

Blogging an I-chat with Jesse

Jesse (Chris's son) and I did not breakup. Jesse is in Gravina, Italy on an archeological dig this summer. Prior to leaving for Italy, Jesse stayed at Chris's house for about 5 weeks. When he finally left for Italy, Jesse left behind enough filth and kitchen trauma that Chris may still be digging out of the mess.

I met Jesse when he was 13 years old. He has Marfan's syndrome and stands about 6'8" tall. He is rail thin. (My idol!) His mom died a few months prior to our meeting. The family was still so traumatized by her death. Jesse didn't think much of me at the time. He once told me, "You'll never be part of this family!" (Maybe he was right.) He's going into his sophomore year at BU. He may be your run-of-the-mill, typical slob teenager and occasionally icky, he's a great kid, growing into a young man. He wants to teach, be a professor. He's funny and likes my jokes. That makes him high on my list.

I chatted with Jesse today on Facebook. It was great to hear from him.

Jesse

yo

10:07amPOD

omg!

hi

where are you

10:07amJesse

haha

in a bar

10:07amPOD

haha

boozer!

10:07amJesse

its 19:07 here

free internet

10:07amPOD

town?

10:07amJesse

Gravina

where the dig is

its small

10:08amPOD

have you been having a great time?

10:08amJesse

i've explored it all already

ya

italy is awsome

im just getting really sick of some of the peeps i live with

10:08amPOD

oh, that happens.

10:08amJesse

like i avoid human interaction now

10:08amPOD

will you see them back at school too?

10:08amJesse

i fucking hate them

sooo much

10:08amPOD

omg

sounds bad

10:08amJesse

theres only one girl i like

10:09amPOD

are you drunk (thinking about my own bout of angry drunken-ness)

(just-asking)

wow, don't leave me yet

Molly has a cold

10:09amJesse

besides her the other americans didn't vote for Obama cause he 'seemed to hide something and jermiah write'

10:10amPOD

Dumb!

10:10amJesse

i know

10:10amPOD

what are archeology students retarded?

10:10amJesse

i got soo pissed on the 4th

10:10amPOD

Dirt = Republican?

I broke my arm on the 4th!

10:11amJesse

what?

that sucks

are you ok?

10:11amPOD

Riding bikes with your dad

10:11amJesse

ow shittty

10:11amPOD

I slipped in gravel and hit the mountain. We were up here in the mountains, riding

but no cast.

10:11amJesse

shit

10:11amPOD

It hurts a bit but not the end of the world.

(yet)

why did you get pissed on the 4th?

did you get into a verbal altercation?

10:12amJesse

Americans suck

10:12amPOD

hahaha

we don't all suck

(are you drunk?)

10:13amJesse

no

I had a corona

10:13amPOD

oh, that's nothing - lightweight!

10:13amJesse

i have to go to a really facùncy dinner soon (I think he meant FANCY)

10:13amPOD

are you hot after that girl?

oh, yum. (referring to fancy dinner)

are you sick of the food yet?

10:14amJesse

haha

maybe and no

she's really cool

and lives 20 min from boston

10:14amPOD

that's good

one person you can comiserate with

Molly is working at the boardwalk -- did she tell you?

10:15amJesse

no - thats lame

10:15amPOD

One day she came home smelling like cotton candy. I nearly puked

10:16amJesse

haha

ew

10:17amPOD

so you aren't bored, you are keeping busy, the food is okay? You hate Americans?

10:18amPOD

Are you still there?

Should I call your dad and ask him if he has anything he wants to tell you? (hopeful that I'd get to call Chris)

10:19amJesse

naw i g2g

i called him earlier

yesterday

10:19amPOD

okay, did you talk to him?

10:19amJesse

no, it was 8 am

time difference sucks

anyway foods wonderful and amazing

10:20amPOD

do you have any messages you want me to give them?

10:20amJesse

Italian rock

I love them and you

10:20amPOD

molly, dad, dude? (Jesse's cat)

10:20amJesse

send my love

btw, im growing a beard

10:20amPOD

I love you too, Jesse, Take good care and don't have too much hate. It causes cancer.

10:20amJesse

Pictures on the 22nd of august

10:20amPOD

Oh, me too,... growing a beard.

10:20amJesse

haha

10:21amPOD

hah!

10:21amJesse

oh, and did dad send my camera charger

?

10:21amPOD

I dunno. I'll ask.

10:21amJesse

i asked molly to get him to do it

10:21amPOD

should I ask now? or send you a msg?

10:21amJesse

cause i cant use my camera

i talked to her to send asap

i hope she did cause its supposed to take like a week

10:21amPOD

I will tell him

okay.

10:22amJesse

and im leaving for Rome in a week from sunday

ok, love ya

bye

10:22amPOD

love you too.

have fun!