Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Discovery

Every day while driving to and from work, I hear radio commercials about how the cell phone company I use (rhymes with whore-risen ) advertises the most coverage in the 3G network and "The Nation's Largest 3G network." I've been curious about this 3G stuff for awhile now considering I can't get a signal to save my life though I'm still charged the monthly fee for a complete lack of coverage. I thought (incorrectly) that with all those G's I'd be sh*tting in tall grass but no. All those G's stand for is Good Gawd Gertie!! (followed up with "I can't get a gahdamn signal!") The company's 3G map shows orange in my area. I mean they only have a couple of spots that aren't orange though I'm beginning to think that maybe the places that can get a signal are the places that are NOT colored orange on their map.

If someone were to phone my cell, my voicemail message informs the caller that I can't get a signal during the daytime, that my phone is turned off, and alternatively gives a work number, a land line, in case of emergency as long as I know you (and you are not a bill collector). It would be faster and more convenient  for the caller to drive to my actual work location, smack me upside the head, and deliver the message personally than to call my cell phone.

Having so many G's means you can do more things with your phone, mostly the same things I can do with my computer that I sit in front of all day long at work. If I could get a signal, all those extra G's mean I can download and use hundreds of cool apps - great - I'll do that when I can get a signal. I can browse the web faster - if I could get a signal. I could download large files, if I could get a signal. I could play music and watch streaming video - if my phone would work. Send emails with attachments, no problem. Will get on it as soon as I can get a signal. Play 3D games, video conference, rapid file sharing - easy, when and if my phone ever gets a signal.

3G will soon become 4G which will be when I switch to yelling until someone can hear me.

10 comments:

Helen said...

Hahahahahahahahaha! Perfect.

Margie M. said...

Can you hear me now?

OK, sore subject, I'm sorry. :)

Try and make it a good week, in spite of the whole 3G mess.

lisa said...

sometimes i think that the little blank spot on the map is where ever i am at the moment - and it follows me around - like a haunted house painting with eyes that follow your every move.

And like the painting - my cell phone does very little. even less since i took all the games off...

It's basically a glorified doorbell (I can usually get a signal outside my friends houses, but not mine.)

l'optimiste said...

oh dear...same problem here and I don't live in the Back Of Beyond...be grateful - imagine. If your phone actually worked you'd never actually TALK to anyone again - all that 3 G-ing, you'd be too knackered!
;o)
x

Shelley said...

I have Sprint and can't get a signal when I'm out visiting your way...which is odd considering Silicon Valley is right around the corner and they probably developed the technology for the phones in the first place!

Natalia said...

We have whore-rizen too! They are pretty expensive... switching when our contract renews!

CherylK said...

Funnneeeee!

Well, for sure I won't switch to whore-risen any time soon. I have "rhymes with squint" and haven't had any trouble, knock on wood.

I don't even know what the "G" stands for...3, 4, whatever...

the Bag Lady said...

Wow, I'm so glad we don't have whore-anything. Our cell phones work everywhere. Really.

I didn't say they worked WELL everywhere, but they light up real purdy when you open them, so you can find your way in the dark.... but don't try to actually call someone with them, especially from home. Unless you are prepared to climb onto the roof and stand on your tiptoes.
"Can you hear...." oh, wait - someone already brought that up.

lisa said...

So how come every nut that jay walks in front of me at the stop light I've already sat thru twice is happily jammering away on the phone, completely oblivious of the traffic they are holding.

or are they?

Which begs the question: Do the youngers really get better reception (and obviously have so many more friends than I've ever had in my whole life) or are they all talking to themselves and diabolically making the world wait for them (it's like the new littering)

And also, how come every time I am walking, I can hardly cross the street at all - because every driver is happily yammering away on the phone! Instead of yielding to the poor pedestrian shivering on the median strip.

sorry for the rant - I've got all this pent up shoveling energy, but its not even sticking yet here in my fair city.

carla said...

I have a faaancy phone with 4G and seem to never be able to get a signal.
me thinks its a punishment for buying aforementioned phone when Im about 20 years OLDER than the market they wish to own it.