Digging Up Dirt

You dropped the bomb right where we live
And just expect me to forgive...

Well that's a mighty big word for such a small man

And I'm not sure I can.

Rebecca Lynn Howard 

I used to consider myself an angry person. Angry at my body for being my body. Angry at my parents for forcing me to be born. Angry at my sister for being prettier, delicate. Angry at my brothers because they were boys, preferred. Angry at myself for being damaged. Angry when I got cancer. Angry because life isn't fair. Angry for feeling angry.


I was one of those angry people who thought they were supposed to express their anger because I grew up in that generation that said expressing your anger was the best way to deal with anger. But being angry makes me angry. 


And then there was that fateful day in the summer when my former bf read a list of reasons he no longer wanted to be in a relationship; the idea of our relationship ending, at least for me, came out of left field. A few days later when I was gathering up the last few belongings we shared, he tried to give me one more reason saying, with real tears streaming down his face, "well, you are an angry person" and I was incredulous as he was saying these words, and I said, "don't you even start." He'd already offered a list of reasons when the main reason he wanted to end the relationship was his dick (see, I told you I'm not an angry person). And I wasn't in the mood to listen to more nonsense. He was the one who complained about his work, his life, his kids, his employees. I guess he ought to know anger when he feels it! I was guilty of listening and sometimes offering assistance. My advice/assistance for you is, don't offer advice. Just nod.


I was angry momentarily back then though I was more sad than angered. The interesting thing is regardless of a person's pain, suffering or anger, life goes on. You gotta deal. And it's your choice how you choose to deal.


I was checking out Speaking of Faith and found they have a list of songs of revenge and forgiveness. I could have used this list many times. SOF says they received more song suggestions on revenge than forgiveness which is kind of funny - probably have to dig back into the 1960s for forgiveness music or church hymms. So often when we're in pain, we move to revenge over forgiveness -- that's been my experience though I move to forgive myself first, and then maybe I'll offer some forgiveness to the other person if there's any left over.  


My favorite song on their list: For Jan by Dave Hagedorn. I don't think the song sounds revengeful or forgiving. SOF wanted listener suggestions by asking what music was evocative in expressing forgiveness or expressed the desire for revenge? The music does not have to contain lyrics. It can be instrumental (with the accent on mental.) 


I never put much thought into music whether it was about forgiveness or revenge because I'm really not an angry, revengeful person (except sometimes when I write and use the word "dick" -- I don't care who tries to tell me I'm angry, I'm over it and they are wrong. So shut up.


Got any suggestions for tunes you can offer?