Dreams of the Everyday Housewife

The past few months have been a season of weddings around here. Lots of talk, planning, lists, details, and nausea. To date I have only been a witness, and unfortunately for all involved, I'm not a silent witness. One wedding down, one to go. This next wedding is the big one! Hannah's mother is getting married. Hannah's mother is my niece. During the first wedding I took care of Hannah for about 24 hours. I don't know if babysitting was the reason I wasn't invited or if they know I have a bad attitude. Ask me if I care. Being with Hannah is more fun than attending a wedding. Quite frankly, I'd rather spend time with Hannah than the people that got married. Hannah's a cheap date. She doesn't need to get drunk in order to have a good time unlike many middle-aged people I've met.

This Sunday I'm attending a lingerie shower for Hannah's mother. This whole marriage thing is done so differently nowadays. People have babies first and search for a dad later. A couple will live together for years before getting married. They have everything they need or could possibly want except a live-in nanny and most couples can't afford the luxury of a nanny. If they could afford the nanny, the dad that took so much time to locate, would probably run off with her and leave the mom back where she was with the child, no dad and a house full of blenders, crystal stemware and chafing dishes. (Don't know about you but I *never* needed a dish to get chafed.)

So the other auntie (brave or foolish? - you decide) is giving a lingerie shower. Since I only wear ole lady army underwear, the thought of a lingerie shower gives me the heebie jeebies. I would hate for my friends to pick out my underwear (as I'm sure they'd hate it too). It's not easy buying undies for other people. What size do you pick? One Size Fits All?  Years ago I tried on a thong and I'm still looking for it!  Not too long ago, a friend bought me something sexy in size huge, and I've yet to wear the thing. It's red trimmed with animal print. Um...(Hey, I could wrap this up and give to my niece!)  With my friends, I could see the return on a lingerie shower. I'd get a selection of fuzzy bathrobes, animal-print thongs (one for each butt cheek), a Slanket™, blajamas, all items I'd either want to return or give to charity. I'm not very good at accepting gifts. In fact, if there is a crowd around, I'll start handing out gifts as I open them.

So while shopping for the lingerie I bought some very nice, very sexy things for the actual shower gift though I am going to plead that my niece not open these saucy thangs in front of me. I used to change her diaper!  While inside the store, I felt I had to explain to the sales people that I was buying these scanties as a gift - just in case the store clerk thought I was completely clueless about my own size. After buying lingerie, I drove to Goodwill. I then found a totally sexy housecoat for just under sex six bucks to fake out the bride to be. Made of blue and white seersucker, buttoned-up incorrectly, a stain running down the front, and wreaking of Cashmere Bouquet - now we're talking some lingerie!  Then by chance I found a hair-dressing doll head and bought it for Hannah. I figure when Hannah tires of her special gift, (in two minutes) I'll tape the head to my car passenger seat and use the carpool lane. This way I'll have someone other than my cat with which to talk and another cheap date aside from Hannah.

After the coup at Goodwill -- purchasing quality gifts, I walked through one more store with my seersucker housecoat draped casually over my arm, fiercely clutching the doll-head to my bosom, looking lost, a little nutty, dazed and befuddled much like the look on the faces of married couples months after the wedding when they wonder WTF they ever saw in that person?