Friends With Benefits

I haven't mentioned last weekend's bridal shower mostly because I've been on a cake-high for days. But I decided after attending the shower that a person has to have good self-esteem to attend their own shower. Especially if a person invites a list of friends that turn out to be no shows. You would have thought this bridal shower was a tupperware party for the lack of turnout.

I went to the lingerie shower (with my personally selected, premium bridal shower gift of mammoth-sized, K-Mart, granny underooskies) which was scheduled Sunday rather than Saturday to allow the majority of invited friends to attend, most of whom work on Saturdays. An evite was sent out and maybe that was part of the problem - using Evite, and in addition to using evite, inviting people to a party can present a problem. Maybe some people don't take evites as seriously as they might a real paper invitation. I'm not sure - my experience has been that sometimes people don't even open an evite, and when I say people, I mean me. And sometimes the evites go into your junk folder. Maybe your junk folder is like a magic genie that way...heck if it goes into your junk, it's junk.

I didn't mind the turnout because fewer invitees always means more cake for me though watching the bride-to-be, and wondering if she was questioning why she had to spend yet more time with her mother, two aunts, a grandmother and her four year old daughter when the list of invitees included at least twenty-five young women  -- was sort of painful for me. I felt bad for her. Of course my pain was all projected. But what kind of friends are these? Though in all fairness, two of her bridesmaids attended. So other than immediate family, two friends attended. Two.


Around the time I was turning 50 (back in the days of yore and horses and buggies), I was asked if I wanted a surprise party, and aside from the element of surprise dashed in that one instant, I was concerned that there was a possibly that no one would show up so I said 'no, thanks.' I'm not that courageous. I'd rather go through chemo.


I have friends (though I like to think I'm selective) (or at least selectivity is my excuse for why I have so few friends), and some of them are good friends though what if someone gave me a party or a shower and my good friends RSVP'd and then, they didn't show? I'd panic at my ineptitude of my friend picking. I don't want to know that the people I've chosen as friends don't care enough to show up. Or is not attending an event really about caring enough? I mean, I suppose they could be busy or someone could have died or there could have been a terrible flood, a storm, a flat tire or some other made-up at the last minute legitimate excuse. I suppose. I'd rather not and say I did than risk what remains of my self-esteem on inviting a group of people that *I* chose if those friends are the no-showing kind of friends such as the friends invited to this bridal shower. Maybe part of my panic is because I'm over 50 now and don't have much time left to pick out a slew of new friends at my age. (Really does this have anything to do with anyone but me?) My polite niece didn't say a word about her "friends" lack of attendance (well, not many words though I think she was slightly disappointed) even when I volunteered to go with her to work on Monday to assist her no-showing friends with carrying in the gifts from their cars that they could not be bothered to bring to the bridal shower on Sunday.


Post bridal shower, my sister developed a quick theory that went something like this:


Unless an invitee is a true friend (and really, what does true mean?) (and who's definition of the word true do we use to define true?) who will attend a shower-type event regardless, other invitees may choose not to attend a shower-type event unless they somehow perceive benefit to attending. Examples of benefits include such things as an open bar, free food, CAKE! (I mean, come on!), a stripper, and the ultimate party coup - a fuzzy pink party gift bag containing bubbles, crayons, assorted candies, a seasonal Pez™ dispenser with an extra pack of  Pez™ candy and a selection of tiny plastic toys made in China --  which at the age of this crowd, no one provides anymore. (The cake part of the theory was added by me.)


Seriously there's really no benefit to watching a bride open gifts with which you spend more of your hard-earned money knowing you'll have to spend even more money for the wedding gift a few weeks away. I'm the aunt - I'm supposed to be nice. And though the shower was scheduled for 11 a.m. on a Sunday in order to accommodate a less-than-optimum list of "friends," there is simply no benefit to them in having to wake up before 2pm when they're most likely nursing hangovers from Saturday night.


The bachelorette party has been planned for this weekend and none of the bride's female relatives are invited because if we attended we'd throw-up when the stripper music starts. Only the bride's friends are invited. I hope for the sake of my niece that most of her evited friends turn out to be true friends who know the value of unlimited booze and a naked man with a feather decoration on the end of his penis are benefit enough to make their attendance worthwhile. Offering hope for any future parties held in my honor, the first person on my evite list is gonna be a stripper because I. am. not. going to take any chances.