Brown-Nosing

I'm a coffee drinker. Sometimes I use a travel-type coffee cup that comes with a lid and the lid has a flapper thing on it so you can close the lid. With this kind of lid the coffee (supposedly) stays warm and won't spill when you're driving like a crazed lunatic though the mountains, talking on the phone with one hand (because you've not yet signed Oprahs' NO PHONE ZONE pledge), and holding your coffee cup in the other hand, all while steering the car with one knee, the one without the painful arthritis. 


Because I'm getting older, I'm not looking in the mirror as often, mostly because when I look in the mirror I see my mom, and really, who invited her anyway? Plus I can't always remember that I should look in the mirror to see if any-thing's missing or something's on my face that does not belong (like the wrinkles). I'm getting older, more forgetful, and what good is a mirror if all I see in it are wrinkles and someone else's face? I've been looking at myself for years now. Why repeat this behavior if it amounts to no good, ultimately? Regardless of how many times I look in the mirror in this lifetime, I'm going to end up a corpse, and then if I look in a mirror, I'm going to need a make-over that not even Oprah can afford. I could have saved a good month of my life by not looking in mirrors, maybe two months - give or take. Just think of all the things I could have done in that time period. (List them in the comments section please - I need some ideas desperately.)


I live alone so I've got no one to tell me if I have spinach in my teeth or toilet paper hanging off my shoe or anywhere else for that matter. My cat doesn't seem to care what I look like, and really if I don't care enough to give a cursory glance in a mirror, why is it my cat's responsibility to warn me?

I went to the nursery on Saturday because I was tearing out a small pond that my X and I had put in the front yard next to the front door right next to a sign that says HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR which my X gave me because he was a wanna-be hippy. In actuality, he was too, too young to be a hippy. And  far too conservative toward the public, too red-necked to be a real hippy. I saw him in photos with short hair and then I realized why he grew his hair long. I thought the hippy sign was cute when he first gave it to me - like my very first gift from him - aahh, how sweet, a hippy (sign). Now the hippy sign is still hanging there, still covered in plastic to preserve it's new Hippy sign sheen. Every day I see that sign and I think WTF is that sign hanging up next to my door?-- Why don't I take that sign down? But I'm a bit forgetful until I see a sign and am reminded by the sign to take the sign down.


Anyway, I had to get to the nursery to borrow ideas for plants for this space. I stood at the counter and asked questions. I queried the staff. They rang up my few purchases. Very helpful! Then I drove home and moved hundreds of pounds of rocks, ripped out the pond liner, held my breath for the slimy, stenchy, bug and crud-filled pond mess, and shoved the mess that would fit - into the garbage can (except the rocks with which I initially paid a small fortune). I filled the empty hole with dirt mixed with compost, planted two small Japanese maples, one at each end, a few clumps of baby-tears (*sniff*), a few other miscellaneous ground covers, added a statue of happy hotei (ho tai), the god of contentment, happiness, good luck, prosperity, wealth, good fortune, long lasting tires, glazed-donuts and wrinkle-free fabrics. The work was exhausting. My knees hurt like hell. I was really feeling my mirror image.


My changed landscape no longer stinks though when the space was water-filled, the cat wasn't so tempted to poop in it. It's no longer slimy sans some new banana slug residue. There's no moss yet but wait until winter arrives next week. The space presents a serene, peaceful, contemplative landscape, a new direction for an old space. All I have left to do is take down the Hippies Use Side Door sign and give it away or throw it away - it's now YOUR choice. I will use the sign as a give-away because I have a kind heart. Watch -- this will be the blog with which no one comments because no one is gonna want that sign. Though if you lack taste, and dream of a hippy coming to your front door just so you can direct them around to the side, leave a comment telling me/us how this sign will contribute to your existing lack of taste and your name will be entered to win this infamous sign - I can't believe more than one person would want this sign. So you - yes *YOU* could actually win! And to think that it was my first gift from the X and he wasn't even a hippy.  Now he's with that other woman. I wonder if he gave her a sign...or anything else (herpes)...I mean, why should *I* be the only lucky one?


If you are really sure you want this sign (and it's in almost mint condition after hanging on my front porch for over 7 years (under the eaves mind you) leave a comment that includes (preferably ) *your* email address so the SPAMbots will nail  you.

I'm stealing some of this text below (with a few modifications like this one right here that I'm writing inside the parenthesis) from Sherry at Niteswimming: (she's having a give-away and hers is a good one.)


For more than one entry (1) follow this blog or subscribe via email -- current followers/subscribers are eligible too. Leave a separate comment for this. (2) Tweet this post on Twitter. Leave a separate comment with your twitter user name. (and don't make up shit). I'm on twitter but I never say a word. I just read how the other half lives.

NOTE: This giveaway is reserved for residents within the U.S. and Canada though that one lady in the U.K. can leave a comment. I'd send the sign to her. She knows who she is and she has hair just like my X's hair only her hair is lovely and actually brushed.

The winner will be selected from all of the comments using random.org. (Totally random!)

Deadline: midnight, Saturday, May 22 st. Winner announced Monday, May 24 if I remember to announce it. And if I don't, you'll remind me --right??


When I finished with my pond re-model, I walked into the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. After an entire day running errands, asking nursery people questions, saying "excuse me" to dozens of strangers who wouldn't get out of my way, flipping-off half a dozen errant drivers on highway 17, screaming at people on back-roads who drive to close to the inside corner, aiming their cars at my front bumper, and speaking to a few neighbors who walked by the house while I was knee-deep in hard labor, sweating bullets, moving rock the size of my butt, when I finished all that incredibly difficult work and my knees would hardly hold me up, I casually glanced at the mirror and saw in the reflection a huge brown nose completely covered in coffee (mixed with soy-creamer) stains. I mean, covered completely to the point where if I'd wanted another cup of coffee, I could have had another cup right there simply by pouring boiling water down my face (fun!), holding the cup under my chin(s) and letting the water mix with the brown residue run down my nose into the cup. Although the idea of pouring boiling water down my face half-appealed to me, I decided to skip that part of the experiment and spend the rest of my evening mulling over the list of people with which I'd interacted throughout the entire day, none of whom mentioned a word.