"In truth, always needing to stay immediate by removing what is no longer real is the working inner definition of sacrifice -- giving up with reverence and compassion what no longer works in order to stay close to what is sacred."
Mark Nepo
One thing about WLS that I don't remember reading about or maybe I ignored it because at my weight, ten more pounds didn't seem to matter (it does - just ask your knees) is the part about gaining weight from fluids during surgery. When I first arrived home, I didn't weigh though in the next few days I found that regardless of my lack of food or liquid intake since arriving home, I had blossomed an additional ten pounds. I was annoyed.
Today I'm down 14 pounds and I'll take it!
From witnessing my sister since her WLS in November right before Thanksgiving (2008) the weight fluctuates from day to day. Since WLS I've weighed more when I first get out of bed than I do at noon now. That never happened in the past, not even during chemo and all those Dove bars that helped me live. I knew my sister was choosing that time of year to have her surgery because everything we did as a family pretty much involved food. She had grown sick and tired of being sick and tired (and *she* wasn't even sick - yet). We'd shared so many discussions on the subject of food, weight, food, donuts, See's Candy, weight, what was for dinner, margaritas etc. Once more we were headed into the deep season starting late October with raided trick & treat bags, and pumpkin lattes, soon to flow into eggnog lattes or who-cares-what's-in-em-by-end-of-December lattes.
Coming of the heels of my own WLS I've gained even more insight into my sister's post-surgical despair that Thanksgiving. Her husband did not understand her suffering (I mean -- do they ever?) and had declared if she did not come to dinner, then he would not come to dinner so she felt like she was making him sit out a big Thanksgiving meal by being selfish when all she wanted to do was stay home, let her husband go to dinner, and with fresh WLS under her belt, she'd not have to be bothered by the tradition, the smells, the goodies and the camaraderie around the table, including most likely having to clean up after a bunch of ne'er do wells.
In light of her recent surgery and our many discussions of why food was such a big deal to us, I made a very light meal, with few extras. Her suffering sort of made it so I could hardly eat without feeling guilty. I cooked a turkey, some sort of vegetable; nothing fantastic. We even purchased a store-made pumpkin pie which if you're a member of my religion pretty much assures you a front row seat in hell.
My sister walked into the house and almost as quickly resigned herself to my bedroom where I could hear muffled cries throughout dinner which if I recall correctly lasted all of about 15 minutes because I was so tuned into my projections onto the horror that she must be experiencing due to WLS; the inability to consume massive quantities of whocares on Thanksgiving, that I couldn't eat much -- which was pretty much my reasoning behind buying a store-made pie. If I can't enjoy a pie, you aren't going to either! When I *can* eat, I'm going to eat well; certainty not that crap. Your pet rat could have used that pie for a trampoline and to this day *still* be bouncing to Jesus.
Withdrawal from years of eating and dieting and eating and dieting is similar to watching an alcoholic endure the DTs (I witnessed this as a child -- it was my good friend's mother) or a heroin addict needing that fix (if you need proof -- Pacific Avenue downtown Santa Cruz). It's painful. It's suffering. But you either do the withdrawal anyway you can because what you've done to date isn't working for you, and lord knows, talking and writing about it don't change anything. Somehow you must exorcise those demons or you continue eating every time you experience a feeling and even when you are too numb to feel, and hope the weight comes off through repeats of every diet known to mankind, repeated exercise attempts, more money spent on weight loss books, plans, counselors, pounds gained and lost, year after year, and centuries of discussions over lattes as they change with each passing season.
When I was making plans for WLS, my plan for the timing was "I can't wait!" It didn't matter to me *when* -- what mattered was how soon? So father's day was my first (media-promoted) "holiday" post WL surgery. My dad has been dead since 1991, my husband in 2001. No barbecues here. It's not a balloon or pie buying occasion around here.
My sister came by late that day bringing Hannah for a visit. Seeing both of them was holiday enough. I asked if they were having a dinner to celebrate and my sister briefly mentioned "just the 3 of them." Though she graciously didn't elaborate. She understood my surgical-self-imposed suffering.
Each evening I get a twinge and I think "Ah ha (moment) good thing I can't eat crackers." I know I'm sacrificing but that's cuz I ate enough in 54 years, my rear end getting a great start. I need to sacrifice. Yes, my dear sister, I was finally willing to give up the food and now I'm fighting the what-do-I-do-in-those-moments conundrum. I don't know if I am down for the count or ready to do battle. Though I'll take whatever comes and spin it! Like the media...
And I think one thing I'll do in those moments is write and sometimes cry, and hopefully laugh.
My sister and Hannah left for home and their celebration while I watched an episode of The Next Food Network Star and quite frankly I didn't think much about the food those contestants cooked either. Maybe they need another judge? I notices the judges taste only the tiniest of nibbles.
16 comments:
I developed an aversion to food for awhile.. like your sister, I had surgery around the holidays, and thankfully I made it through without a hitch. And unfortunately I no longer have an aversion to food! LOL
It's good that you have someone so close to you that knows what you're going through. It will help so much in the process! :-)
I think having WLS surgery or just being committed to a diet makes holiday meals difficult. It's a tough pill to swallow, watching everyone around you eat all!those!foods! that you used to. It gets easier, especially as you become smaller. I'm so glad your sister has recently gone through this and will be your Tenzing Norgay on your journey.
Yeah, for the record, I'm not in love with any of the chef-testants on Next Food Network Star this year. They already eliminated the gay one, so why keep watching?? Oh yeah, because without reality tv, I am nothing. At least there's always Top Chef!
I've always secretly wished that I could learn to hate food. To hate eating. It never works. I look at anorexics with a deep-set envy. Why couldn't I get THAT eating disorder instead of THIS one?? At least then I'd be thin instead of so rotund. Talk about a warped sense of logic. Why is my head so fucked up, lady?
Also, in response to your response, I have no idea what halfway is because I don't even know where you are. When's Shelley coming out?? I'm getting all wild on the weekends lately SO WHO KNOWS.
It's good that your sister will be your hometown cheerleader. All the things that you experience she'll be able to confirm. That's excellent. I am so happy that you're finally back.
So, I only have one question..... why the heck are you watching food programs????? Isn't there something else equally mundane that you could be watching?
Sheesh.
Do I have to post another video on facebook for your amusemnent?
we reference Tenzing Norgay around here on a daily basis.
you are my soulsister.
Goodness I appreciate this part of that quote:
"giving up with reverence and compassion what no longer works in order to stay close to what is sacred"
Because we ARE sacred. And it's about time we realized it and treated ourselves that way.
I am very taken and inspired by your comment about "the what-do-I-do-in-those-moments?"
It just hit me that this might actually be found time.
I often find myself rooting around looking for "something" and that "something" is food. the "often" is at stress points while working, in the evening, etc.
What if I just let myself relax or do something fun then? When we were kids, in our house if you were not working you were either in school, in church, sleeping or eating. If you were just sitting around reading a new "job" was assigned right away.
Even tho my mother was a major player/enforcer in this regime, she herself rebelled against it by saving every damn scrap of reading material for freakin' ever (i.e. major hoarding) because she was "just too busy" to read them - yet.
She was so busy stashing her hoarded items away (not just the papers, but that was a major part) that she needed us to be doing housework every waking moment. The only available seating was at the kitchen table (and even 1 shy of the number of chairs needed for our family) - as the entire living room was stuffed full of piles of "things". When I couldn't take it anymore, I made a sandwich. And I don't even really like sandwiches. And the food in their fridge was nasty as - you guessed it - nothing could be tossed, actually it couldn't even be served until it was actually turning.
Now my mother is gone and I don't have piles of "Stuff" all over my house. In the past 10 years as she declined, I've managed to spend every free minute deleting the piles from my parents house. The day of her funeral was the first time in 30 years that a group of my relatives was able to gather in their living room.
Yet I still find myself rooting in the fridge every time i hit a snag at work (I work at home and my job is hard) I think maybe I'm hoarding food in my body.
And I have no damn time!
When I read your question: "what-do-I-do-in-those-moments?" I thought about all the accumulated moments standing in the fridge, eating spite sandwiches, cooking up something "nutritious" because I feel empty. Shopping for healthy food I don't need to balance out the sweets in my basket.
Maybe what I'm hungry for is some free, unenforced, non guilty time. Maybe I get those from the "what-do-I-do-in-those-moments?" Maybe I get to just relax and read, or lay around, or wander.
awesome.
I hope this will make your life easier. My younger brother recently told me that he likes that I go through things first so he can watch me have the experience :-)
My positive thoughts are with you during your healing!
(Lisa - your comment was powerful, thank you)
"But you either do the withdrawal anyway you can because what you've done to date isn't working for you, and lord knows, talking and writing about it don't change anything. Somehow you must exorcise those demons or you continue eating every time you experience a feeling and even when you are too numb to feel..." -- you wrote that just for me, didn't you -- I knew it!
(Hug)
word verification: "maties" (and blogland has many lovely maties)
Lisa hit the nail on the head..."free unenforced, non-guilty time"...boy, I could go for a serving of that.
Oh, Pod, I related so much to this post.
As you described"…years of eating and dieting and eating and dieting…" I started to cry. Although my situation was a bit different, from the time I was a small child, I fought my desire for food because mom basically told me (not in so many words but still)…you are only worthy of love if you are thin. Even though I look (have always looked) "normal" on the outside, I'm torn apart on the inside. I lived with a constant desire for food, but the need to deny deny deny. Or eat mass quantities and then purge or starve for weeks; hiding evidence of all the junk food I ate from my family. People say, oh you look fine, you look good, what are you worried about, you are thin...meanwhile inside you know what a fraud it all is. The self-hatred, the sadness, the anger. Stuff it down with food, then start all over again with the purging or starvation.
Demons, indeed. If you were to go back to my very first couple of posts on my blog, I think that's when I was expressing my most desperation. I feel so lucky to have started blogging, because I learned so much from other bloggers that it started me on the road to what I needed to recover…therapy and medication…and to start to actually love myself for who I am. I am more than just a number on a scale.
POD, thank you for allowing me to glimpse what you have gone through. It helps me to know that all of us with food issues, no matter how they manifest themselves, we are sisters in the struggle.
So much to process all I can say is, good luck to you. I hope this helps you get to the place you want to be in. I know what you mean about knees. They tell you things!
I had a tough time following my WLS. I actually went though a severe bout of depression.
But now, thanks to the support I get through my blog, I am back on track. You know what I do? I stick to eating natural. I found some good stuff over at www.TheDietSolutionProgram.com, and it's been a huge help to me since my WLS.
Thanks for posting. We all benefit from your kind and wise words. Positivity is so important in these matters.
Glad you're back. I was worried. I'll be leaving Yellowstone soon and I'm already worried about losing this healthier lifestyle. I don't snack here, the food is usually bad anyway and I walk a lot. Back at home, I'll have bad snacks in the house, cause hubby wants them, and the walking will be more difficult to do. I have to be strong, but you know how hard that is. Hope everything works out for you.
Loved and appreciated all these comments.
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