—Lewis B. Smedes
An ex-sister in law called our office - (she must want something). I am working alone. I have not spoken with her in over 20 years.The last conversation(s) we had were around my sister in law claiming that I accused her of having an affair with my husband. Which I had not done - I mean I did not accuse her of having an affair with my husband. I only asked my husband to quit rubbing her (goddamn) feet when she came to our house, plopped her ass on the couch, took her shoes and socks off, and stuck her feet in his lap. (He was probably shocked at seeing normal feet and felt compelled to touch them to see that they were real.)
This was not about feeling insecure, just personally affronted that this woman would be so bold, and that my husband was a clod. I asked my mom what I should do, how the situation should be handled? After listening to mom, I decided to ask my husband to stop rubbing my SILs feet. Seemed simple enough. He didn't rub my feet -- why should he rub my sister in law's or anyone else's feet? It seemed an intimate act, far too intimate for their relationship - at least the relationship I knew about. I don't know what my husband ultimately said to the sister in law (because I didn't get to witness the discussion, only the foot-rubs) but whatever he said caused a larger issue because this ex-sister in law told family members that I had accused her of having an affair with my husband when all I had done was ask her to stop putting her feet in his lap so he could rub her cute toes feet.
Maybe my creepy toes were jealous though having creepy toes was not the issue. The issue was witnessing (what I considered) a too chummy act between my husband and this other woman in front of me and assorted other family members (our kids) whenever this woman deigned to show up to get her feet rubbed.
When she phoned today she asked to speak with my sister. My sister wasn't in the office today so I spoke with her. She kept asking me how I was, how the family was, what was going on as if no time had passed. Believe me, time had passed. Caller ID displayed her name as Susan Smith, I thought of that woman who drowned her kids in the lake and blamed a black man for the crime so many years ago. I thought, (this caller ID) it figures.
After the drama with this woman, my brother and she divorced probably because she was rubbing a lot of feet, and a lot more than feet on other people who had feet and other parts that needed rubbing. I went into therapy because I felt like a complete nut-case. I felt blamed for being mean because I was a meanie blaming her for something I never said, and she was so helpless feeling blamed for affairs and feet-rubbing. A foot-rub does not an affair make - I know this. By the time the drama ended, our friendship (which had been very good) had essentially been driven into a lake and drowned.
I need to go perform the forgiveness ritual thingie. Forgiveness comes in pretty handy on a Friday afternoon,working alone.
13 comments:
It's always good to forgive people...however, I do not think you were off base with your criticism of her whole foot thing all those years ago. IT WAS an inappropriate act on her part. Maybe she wasn't having an affair with your hubs, but what she was doing was intimate indeed. Still, forgiveness is a good thing. For you too.
What a thoughtless person, then and now. I'm glad you told her to quit it, way back when. Forgive her for your own self-preservation. Hope you have a good weekend and won't dwell on her.
I hope she gets bunions.
So what did she want? That seems like a way to chummy act to me too! She must've had a guilty conscious she had to run off and play the victim with your family!
Forgiving is hard, and I think you're right you have to do it a little bit at a time.
I am sure she wanted something for free. Too bad she wasn't around to rub your ex bf's feet, that was what she deserved.
I'm sorry the two of you were not able to talk about the past. Perhaps it would have been a good thing to do.
Personally, I can't imagine rubbing anyone's feet. You should have told her to go get a pedicure...those people get paid to rub feet.
You were definitely not out of line. Letting go is a good thing. It's something I struggle with, though.
Love how you are creating a lesson (a momment of growth) from this out-of-the-blue phone call.
A book you'd probably find interesting is "The Sociopath Next Door." People think sociopaths are only mass murderers but they are far more common & they can do a lot of damage in families, the workplace etc. The fact that this person's reaction to your request that the inappropriate behavior stop was to present herself as a victim is a tip off that she may have socipathic tendancies. If that's the case, you should be celebrated in your family for being the person strong enough to drive her off.
well frack :)
I was going to wax eloquently on the notion of forgiveness and releasing our angernessment to the universe and then I read the comments.
sociopath next door whatwhat?
I need to read that :)
You were right. She was wrong. Period.
Why on earth this sort of crap happens in families is totally beyond my human ability of comprehension.
You were right. Don't forget it.
Ex-SIL sound just open her mouth and insert foot.
Damn, I need to find someone to give me a good foot rub now.
I'm with Margie. I think that forgiveness is a good thing, but I think that you standing up (even on your creepy toes :) ) is even better.
just FYI, Matt cannot rub another woman's feet...ever. so to me you did the right thing ;)
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