Wishful Thinking

Last year's tree

I started to write this post on Tuesday.

I had two dreams in the last two nights. The first night I dreamt that my oncologist told me the cancer had returned. I was crying though I didn't wake up (Thank goodness for a lorazepam addiction). Last night I dreamt I had my 2nd chemo in a course of 6. I was feeling very weak and felt very disappointed at my weakness.

I have tried (repeatedly for nigh on 4 years) not to get disturbed about waiting for the current test results. I submit to the tests and then try to put them out of my mind. By trying not to process test results with drama, OMGs and whatifs, somehow stuff gets buried in my psyche and comes out in dreams.

On to gentler subjects -- yesterday (Tuesday) I visited the oncologist who told me that my CA125 was down to 17 which is way within normal range. The only other time it was this low was right after the hysterectomy when it  was 13. (In July post gastric bypass it was in 79.) He said that the CT scan showed no evidence of cancer. He said I'm entering my 4th year post treatment (finished chemo March 17th 2007) and that the likelihood of uterine cancer returning the further away from the initial diagnosis is less and less as time goes forward. (I think) statistics show that if the cancer is going to return, it usually returns in the first couple of years post diagnosis though this does not rule out never returning. I asked the doctor, "What if the cancer comes back in my head?" He said, "That would be very unusual." (Uterine cancer of the head). We talked about why he got into oncology and if he needed to probe my liver. Yes. I said I did a lot of wishful thinking but he said it wasn't wishful thinking, that I was living. I left his office pretty satisfied and very grateful.

A few out of the ordinary things about yesterday that I noticed were that our computers and phones didn't work (at work). I met my son outside of the doctor's office which is rare. I don't have my puppy Bella - she is in puppy training. I missed Hannah's work visit where her grandmother, my sister, told me when the phones were working late afternoon, both phones were ringing when Hannah took it upon herself to answer one of the ringing phones with a "Papa!?" (instead of our company name), when it was one of our customers who phoned. Grandma looked at Hannah and Hannah was grinning ear to ear. Of course the customer hung up. (Typical male!)

As for the cancer - All those creepy dreams for naught, thank goodness. Things have been going well for me, health-wise, and for this, I have tremendous gratitude. Hey, maybe it's being grateful that's keeping cancer away. Somehow I doubt it. That would only be more wishful thinking. Regardless, I could not be happier or healthier though I sometimes think I wouldn't mind being a bit younger if wishful thinking would make it so.