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| Before the days of chub-rub |
On a kinder note, I do not have armpit fat, double boobs, and something the magazine referred to as chub-rub. This calls for a celebration in part where I cancel my subscription.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Fashion Fixes for Frumps
I was reading through the January issue of Oprah when I came upon an article about problem areas on women's bodies. While reading the article I discovered that I have turkey neck, bat wings, frump butt, muffin top, a pooch and cankles. To correct these faults I need to buy hundreds of dollars worth of shapewear to remodel my far less than perfect, frumpy, agey butt, some gray tape to tape up my bat wings, a hacksaw for my cankles and a plastic bag to put over my head to end it all.
The experts say not to wear a turtleneck to cover up the turkeyneck but to wear a V-neck, perhaps something with a brightly colored, enormous arrow pointing down and away from the turkeyneck to the pooch area -- which is the area of the belly that sticks out like a spare tire over ones sagging, graying genitalia.
On a kinder note, I do not have armpit fat, double boobs, and something the magazine referred to as chub-rub. This calls for a celebration in part where I cancel my subscription.
On a kinder note, I do not have armpit fat, double boobs, and something the magazine referred to as chub-rub. This calls for a celebration in part where I cancel my subscription.
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9 comments:
Oh my! :)
HA! That's why I quit reading articles like that. I know perfectly well what I do and do not have. Have you read Nora Efron's "I Feel Bad About My Neck?" If not, you should!
Oh dear.
Turkey neck? check
Frump butt? check
Muffin top? check
Plastic bag? Nah.
Tape for bat wings?!? Oh dear god. And what I wanna know is, where does the fat/excess skin go when you put on spanx? To the neck? Hmmm, maybe that would solve the turkey neck problem.
Don't make fun of those things! What do you think pays a plastic surgeon's rent ;-)
Helen is right...one of my favorite books of all time is "I Feel Bad About My Neck". Seriously funny.
And you should know that I'm a firm believer in turtlenecks. And long sleeves. And long pants. Gah!
(Very funny, Dr. J!)
Your Christmas photo could win a prize. It's a gem! The flocked tree....the matching sailor dresses (think I had one of those too)...the expressions of happiness and joy.
Would you like a CD of my annual holiday mix?
I'm just stopping by different type of blogs and thought id say hello folks. So greetings from an Amish community in Pennsylvania, and wishing everyone a merry Christmas and a healthy and happy new year. Richard from Amish Stories
Why I feel Oprah is a seriously bad influence on women:
1. She is airbrushed on the cover. To say nothing of professional hair, makeup, and all that Spanx.
2. She tells us we can do Anything if we only fabricate outlandish goals and continually enhance our craving for them. This is bullshit. It makes women cheer when they are in the studio, but the next day it can only make you very very depressed. Because you can't. You don't. Do anything. I mean, come on, I can hardly do anything, let alone Anything.
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